So here I sit, for the first time to write a journal entry. What's the subject about? Blame.
I already know that I shouldn't blame myself. Even the person involved said I shouldn't, but I can't help but do. It's like when you lose something so precious, you can't help but blame yourself cause you know deep down inside that you didn't do anything to try and prevent it.
I took it for granted I guess. Although I cherished it with all my heart. And only if, only if I was able to try a little harder. Be a more caring person, be more of somebody to depend on, maybe I wouldn't have lost it all. Only if.
Everyone wishes that they could go back and do things right again. Yet, in reality, we can't and that's how it goes. And so although people don't blame you, you still feel the empty black hole in your heart because you know that with a little more effort, maybe things would have been different. You wish things would have been different.
Sometimes, you try and keep yourself preoccupied so that you wouldn't have a constant reminder. But it always comes back out of nowhere. All this pain just coming back 2 times as worse as before. You just let it pass through you, cutting the insides and allowing it to bleed, until it's over and you try and preoccupy yourself again. And then, the whole cycle starts once more.